India is truly blessed that our population is dominated by those who identify as Hindu – the most noble and altruistic people in the history of mankind. Irrespective of your caste, gender or religion, we know what’s best for you and have now mobilized our government to work in your best interest. It’s been a tough ride for Hindus in India since we’ve constantly been under attack and oppressed. All we have going for us is a majority of the population, dominance of our upper-caste in every conceivable position of power and a central government heavily composed of RSS trained Hindutva leaders. Finally, we have reached a point where we can openly impose our superior ideals onto you. Just in the last few years, here’s how we’ve been looking out for you:
1. We are champions of women rights and can’t bear to stand discrimination of women
Specifically, we love saving Muslim women from Muslim men. So we banded together for our Muslim sisters to save them from the treachery of triple talaq. Otherwise, some of our most powerful leaders spend their time stalking women, others take time out to celebrate rapists and a special few actually rape women.
2. We will do ANYTHING for national unity
Anything to a majority Muslim region. We are in the early days of uniting J&K with the rest of the country. What better way to do this than to force Kashmiris to unite with us by restricting their movement, communication and political activity while imprisoning them in a military state. And using the NRC we have already started the process of making countless Muslims in Assam stateless. All this will help create akhand bharat. But non-Hindus needn’t worry, since our government is also represented by those who can “purify” (convert) thousands to Hinduism at a single event.
3. We seethe with rage when we see animal abuse
We spring into action if there is even a hint of suspicion that a Muslim man may have hurt a cow. When this happens, we will happily justify murder. Otherwise, under our supreme leader, beef exports have been as robust as ever and India remains one of the top global exporters of beef. The key of course being that lesser beings like buffaloes can be sacrificed for any amount of financial gain. But even with cows, once they are spared by evil Muslims, we can let them die in misery in spaces run under the auspices of premier Hindutva leader and bovine lover Ajay Singh Bisht (Yogi Adityanath).
4. We abhor crony capitalism
We lose our minds when we have to clean-up the mess left behind by previous non-Hindu government regimes that were corrupt. This is why, we have focused on providing you with a leader who is at heart, a chai wala, or in his words, a fakir-aadmi.
Under this “honest” regime, we are happy to turn a blind eye to the Adanis being bailed out by various BJP governments again and again. We enjoy it when Ramkrishna Yadav (Baba Ramdev) receives all the free land that he needs for his Ayurveda business. And we are extremely proud of wunderkind Jay Amit Shah (son of fakir’s right-hand man) who unbeknownst to all turned out to be a financial prodigy. Let alone the matter of our dear government instituting mechanisms like electoral bonds to institutionalize opacity in corporate political funding. All this, is in YOUR best interest.
5. We are happy to sacrifice for national security
India’s national security can not be compromised. We feel extremely proud whenever the government takes credit for actions by our armed forces. In fact, we are so sacrificing by nature, that using our Hindutva powers, we have sacrificed multiple journalists who deviate from the acceptable Hindutva narrative and are even happy to get rid of the odd judge who could come in the way. To ensure that national security is never compromised, we have even sent nationalistic terrorist Pragya Thakur to the Lok Sabha.
All this has been accomplished in just five years. We appreciate your gratitude. You’re all welcome and stay tuned for more #AccheDin.
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