Forget poverty and economic inequality. Forget dying children and crumbling infrastructure. Forget farmer suicides and even forget corruption. India’s biggest challenge today is combating the religious and cultural diversity that exists in the country. We must tackle this monster and thankfully Prime Minister Modi’s extended team includes a pack of super heroes who will guide India to a path of intolerance and cultural homogeneity. 

Mohan Bhagwat with the power of Rewriting the Constitution

Mohan Madhukar Bhagawat has been the chief of India’s premier vigilante organization, RSS since 2009. One of the biggest roles played by Mohan Bhagwat and the RSS is to provide Indians with well researched logical reasons for anything bad that happens in the country – it’s because we have deviated from our true Hindu value system. For instance, when the country was embroiled in dealing with the Delhi rape case, Bhagwat solved all problems in a casual speech where he educated us by saying that western values need to be blamed for increasing rapes in urban India. Bhagwat claimed that violence against women, in the way of rapes and gangrapes, is a phenomenon unique to urban India and that such ‘things’ do not happen in rural India, where traditional values hold sway. So basically, the RSS can and shall blame foreign/western/minority influences for anything bad that happens. More importantly the silliness of the constitution must be ignored because it uses the word secular. This is an evil and bad word and must be used as sickular to make a clever point by RSS followers. Whenever he makes a public appearance, Bhagwat reminds us all that  India is a Hindu state and “citizens of Hindustan should be known as Hindus”. Never mind if you are Muslim, Sikh, Christian or Atheist. Bhagwat will tell you what you are because he knows best.

Yogi Adityanath with the power of Purification

Mahanth Yogi Adityanath (born Ajay Singh) has represented the people of Gorakhpur since 1998 in the Lok Sabha. Ajay understands that an Indian citizen’s griefs can simply disappear through the magic of purifying or converting/re-converting to Hinduism.  In  2005, he led a ‘purification drive’ in  Etah UP, during which he converted 1,800 Christians to Hinduism. Earlier that year, he had also overseen the conversion of 5,000  Christians in the same district. For a state like UP that is one of the worst in India in terms of economic and social parameters, people’s lives can only improve through actions like purification which Ajay excels at. And naturally, Ajay is one of the leading proponents of the latest cutting-edge method to provide Indian citizens with prosperous lives – the ‘ghar wapsi’ campaign.  Staying ahead of the curve is one of Ajay’s traits and his next program is as impressive – installing Gauri, Ganesh and Nandi in every mosque in India.

Dinanath Batra with the power of Regressive Education

Dinanath Batra used to run the Vidya Bharti school system – one of India’s largest private network of schools. Foremost on Dinanath’s agenda is ensuring that Indian school students are able to live in a bubble untouched by any global influences. The only other country in the world that seems to have mastered this system is the prosperous nation of North Korea, where everything is state prescribed and students learn about the glory of only their own country (never mind if much of it is fabricated). Some of Dinanath’s plans for modernizing India’s Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE) include banning of foreign languages that students opt for in place of Sanskrit, opening of a call centre for inculcating cultural values, banning of CBSE from any foreign collaboration and changing the CBSE syllabus to be based on Indian values.

 Niranjan Jyoti with the power of Not Offending while Offending

Sadhvi Niranjan Jyoti has the onerous task of living up to the Sadhvi prefix in her name. This Sadhvi is an MP and a Minister of State in the Modi Union Council of Ministers. During a BJP rally in Delhi, Sadhvi said “आप को तय करना है के दिल्ली में सरकार राम्ज़ादों की बनेगी या हरामजादों की” (It is you whom must decide whether the Government in Delhi will be run by the Sons of Ram or by Bastards (lit. Sons of Illegitimacy)”. The beauty of Sadhvi’s statement was that she meant no offence. She subsequently expressed “deep regret” over her statement and clarified that she did not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. Sadhvi continues to be a minister. Also, not sure what kind of जादोs are in power in Delhi now but they probably don’t classify as राम्ज़ादोंs.

Sakshi Maharaj with the power of Family Planning (for your family)

Most religious organizations in India have a special interest in how you use your genitalia. Swami Sachchidanand Hari Sakshi Maharaj is a member of the BJP and RSS and an MP from Unnao, Uttar Pradesh. If Uttar Pradesh was a country, it would be the world’s sixth most populous one. Seeing that procreating is the state’s top competency, here is what Sakshi preached –  “…the time has come when a Hindu woman must produce at least four children in order to protect Hindu religion”. In order to help understand this better, a Sadhvi was available. This time it was Sadhvi Prachi who clarified that ‘the Hindu’ needs to move on from the now outdated “शेर का बच्चा, एक ही अच्छा” (for a lion, one offspring is enough). Here is how to make the best use of your 4 offspring:

• #1 can go to protect the borders
• #2 can serve the society
• #3 can be given to the saints
• #4 to the VHP to serve the nation and protect the culture

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